Changes

This has been the year for awakenings. Okay, already. I'm up. I'm up. I have been really doing some hard work. It's hard because it requires me to be really honest with myself and with others. And the learning curve has been a bitch too. I'm not sure I wanted to learn quite this much this year. But, these things come wrapped up in quests for clarity and honsety and freedom. I can't be free unless I am honest and clear up the past. Not that I've never done that before. But, this year has been very enlightening. And really, much of it was stuff that I could see already but was not addressing. Apparently, working with clarity and honesty requires addressing this stuff. Being honest with people. Asking for help and then doing the work. Yep, this is all a bit cryptic without the real facts. So, the newest facts are these:
I got a new sponsor - who requires actual work from me even though I worked all the steps already.
I got a new home group. One that is not involved in fighting each other and airing opinions on other people's beliefs or lifestyles. One where there are NOT two sides and you WILL be assigned a side. Like it or not. I was assigned to the left-wing side since I'm a lesbian and a witch. That's just not right-wing material. These things may set me apart in many places but in A.A. they should not be an issue for the group. If they are...I need to find a new group. See, I told two friends last Summer that I was looking for a new home group. They said, *Oh no, please don't leave. We need you. Our side is winning.* I should have said, *What side? Winning what?* But I did not. It was easier to stay and I wanted to be accepted and *needed*. So, I stayed. I got crazier and crazier. I KNEW that this was not the group where I would share anything really important. I knew I did not really trust anyone there. Even the two women whom I stayed for. Cause I KNEW they had an agenda. I just wasn't clear what it was. Now, I'm a little clearer on that. I believe it is personal between at least one of them and another couple in the group. They rejoiced when sponsees left the woman they don't like. (This is the same woman who told me being a lesbian was going to get me drunk and a few other things...so I had reasons to play along...not healthy ones, but reasons.) I can't be a part of this war they have going. There are no factions in A.A. *Principles above personalities*. The principles went out the window a long time ago and no one has missed them yet. They are all too busy defending themselves cause they're at war and all. It ain't my war. I'm not fighting. The Big Book says we ceased fighting anyone or anything. I get waves of peace when I realize I don't have to worry about defending my lifestyle or my beliefs. In my new home group, my beliefs are my own...no one else's business. And my lifestyle is not an issue. The only issue is recovery. That's what A.A. is about.
Now, to figure out a sane and helpful way to tell my old group that I'm leaving. And my old sponsor. I don't want to create any more issues, they have enough. But, I do want to be honest. This will be hard. There may be tears involved.